It all started a couple of weeks ago. Our neighbour Tim (the only other Englishman on the mooban) wondered over, trailing cigarette smoke as he did.
“Hello mate,” he said casually “just noticed we’ve got a King Cobra under the house, so…” he paused to shrug like a mechanic who had to suddenly charge you way above the quote, “you know; just watch yourself.”
I got inside, told the wife and started looking up online firearms merchants in the greater Bangkok area.
After plotting the location of machine gun nests, Claymore anti-personnel mines and flamethrowers (all triggered by remote) my wife calmed me down, brought me tea and said that it would be fine. That the snake wouldn’t come over here and look, the security guards are dealing with it right now.
I looked out of the window and sure enough a small posse of green clad security guards had surrounded our neighbours’ house, SWAT style, and were spraying Raid into a hole.
I wasn’t sure the efficacy of Raid on reptiles so shouted through the firmly shut windows that they should use a flamethrower and that they would be welcome to use mine once it had been delivered. Once again the wife held my hand, stoked my hair and made shushing noises until I’d stopped yelling.
A week passed and I’d calmed down, there was no more snake based news. Clearly the can of Raid was effective in killing snakes (top tip).
And then we found a dead cat in the garden.
By this point we’d realised that we were under siege, the snake was no longer a mindless creature of the night moving merely to hunt, but a cold and calculating killer, toying with us for its own amusement. We would surely end up dead unless we found a solution. So we asked the only person we really trust to give us straight advice; our maid.
“Kafir limes” she said having already scattered a large collection of them around our house, “keeps snakes away” she added with a knowing nod. I don’t know if it works but we are still not dead and that can only be a good thing.
In the mean time I’ll keep the flamethrower handy.
Just in case.